i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
