My underwear smells like fireworks.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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