My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
