thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
