How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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