i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
