the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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