So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
