Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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