this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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