I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
