yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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