i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
