no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
