i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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