I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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