everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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