Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
