Your face is a jimmy john
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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