You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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