Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
