Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
40s are totally the cure
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
