I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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