i wish my penis had a tongue
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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