I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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