I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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