I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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