Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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