I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
