I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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