TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
