How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
