I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
