If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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