If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
