the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
