I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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