I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Alive.
So much puke
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
