So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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