Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
