I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
