This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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