This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
