barbara walters just said penis...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
COCAINE IS GR8
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
