I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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