I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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