Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
