I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
