Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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