I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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