Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
