I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
