this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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