every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We need to get me chipped asap
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
